Preparing for Battle

This is a busy time for me. I am getting married in less than 8 weeks. I am finishing up grad school. I am house shopping. Which means packing, too. I am working full-time. I am also just trying to live, you know? Anyways... since I finished most of my grad school requirements last May, I took a break from studying, but picked up on a different type of studying: marriage preparation.

Here is a look at some of the books I have read (or am reading) and my thoughts on each:

The Five Love Languages -- by Dr. Gary Chapman

I read this book last spring. I first was interested in this book when I was dealing with family relationships 4-5 years ago. I then read this book in Japanese (愛を伝える５つの方法）, sort of at the same time as my fiancee did. I cannot say enough about this book, really... I love it! Very eye-opening about the importance of recognizing how we ought to express love, and how we best receive it from others. Good not just for marriage, but for almost any relationship that you want to see increase in its love.

101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged -- by H. Norman Wright

I actually bought two copies of this one, because it is more of a "workbook" where there is space to write answers to the questions. There are a good number of important questions in here that will help you see if you are compatible with your partner. It is more about knowing who YOU are, and being able to open yourself up more completely to your partner, before agreeing to spend the rest of your lives together. There are a few repeat questions (seem almost the same) and some that you will find irrelevant to your own situation, and there are also some that are hard to answer (either because it's hard to put into words, or because you don't want to admit to your weaknesses). But it's really good to help prepare you for the next stage. (Note: My fiancee and I never got through the book in time... I proposed before we reached question 10... and we're still working through it slowly... we're on question 70 or so, and hope to finish before saying "I do!" But no worries... we have been very open with each other, and there are no big surprises left to be revealed, if that makes sense.)

Sacred Marriage -- by Gary Thomas

This one is probably the best that I have read so far. It asks a lot of hard question, shares a lot of wise insights, and turns marriage on its head. Look no further than its sub-title: "What if God designed marriage to make us holy, more than to make us happy?" This book was probably the least "scary" and the most "encouraging" of the ones I have read so far. Oh, it challenged me to change my thinking and my actions, but it has not made me feel like marriage is impossible or prone to failure upon failure. Thomas does a great job of setting us straight, highlighting the different ways that marriage will change our character and make us more into the likeness of Jesus Christ.

His Needs, Her Needs -- by Willard F. Harley Jr.

This one talks about the five most prominent needs that men have in marriage, and the five that tend to be more important to women. For him, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration. For her, affection, conversation, honestly and openness, financial support, and family commitment. Some of those needs overlap, and they are not 100% gospel, but from a man's perspective, I can see some truth in this. Anyhow, one thing that bugged me about this book is that it tended to have too many stories of broken marriages in which infidelity was an issue. Now, he is being realistic, but as a soon-to-be-married man, it was kind of discouraging to hear an author talk about how affairs are quite commonplace. He was not condoning them, mind you. I guess I didn't need to hear what he had to say when he said it (that is, when I read it). But one concept I liked from this book: he talked about how every person that you know has a "love bank account" in your heart. Based on your encounters with them, they can either make deposits or withdrawals. And that will sort of determine where you are at with each other. A kind word, a gift, a good joke will make a deposit. A harsh word, a toilet lid left up, ignoring the kids will make a withdrawal. Too many withdrawals, and you will no longer have the largest account in your spouse's heart. Interesting.

The Christ-Centered Marriage -- by Neil T. Anderson

I am in the middle of this one still. It is decent... it talks a lot about how you need to free yourself from any spiritual bondage in your life before dealing with marital issues. Often the "marital problems" are just extensions of individual issues that have not been dealt with. The jury's still out on this one, as I have only finished reading five of fourteen chapters. And when that one's done...

Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, & Life Together -- by Mark & Grace Driscoll

This is one I have on order. It just came out earlier this month. I got the DVD in the mail today. (You can see that from the pic -- figured I would post a pic of myself for the first time since fall.) Anyhow, Mark Driscoll is one of the pastors I respect the most. He speaks truth, harsh truth even, relevant truth, but with love. When I heard he was writing a marriage book with his wife, I knew I wanted it. Should be a good one. Apparently it was the top "Self-Help" book on the NY Times Bestseller list. Not bad for a Christian author in a country where Christianity is so out of vogue!



So there you have it, folks! If you have any books that you think I should read, or if you have any thoughts on any of these books, feel free to share them with me! I'm thinking of reading Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. Is it any good???